Last updated: 06-22-2017

A few last words

What is this?

This is a page on the internet that I felt the need to create in the case I am killed by a civilian claiming they were scared and "standing their ground" or a police officer that "mistook" my index finger as a gun. I don't think it's all that different than a living will. I hope that in my death this helps paint a clearer picture of who I was and so that in my death I get reduced to a one dimensions character. This could never replace me still being alive but at least I get in a few last words.

Why?

I am a black male in the United States so I find it necessary to take measures to have a few safegaurds in place in the case I get murdered by a civilian or officer of the law — not much unlike how others might take measures of drafting a living will. Being black in American means you have to do things differently.  If I am killed by a civilian or an officer I need something out there that is a representation of "me" presented as I was, thought, felt and wish to be remembered.

Also, see Philando Castile.


My killing and what to do after

Scenarios of my murder

In the case it was an officer in uniform

I was scared. I spoke calmly and likely nervously. I announced every movement that I was planning to make and confirmed every request the officer made that required movement. I was polite. I was unarmed. I was thinking about my daughter. I was thinking about the history that people regularly ignore that landed me in this position in the first place. I was sad. I know they saw me as a monster. I figured I would live going into this situation, but I had my doubts. I wanted to and intended to live.

In the case it was a civilian that had a weapon to which I was unaware

I was 1000% more scared than they were. I was thinking about how they would use their fear as reason to kill me. I know they saw me as dangerous — so I tried to leave or reason with them. I didn't see it coming. If there was a struggle, I debated if I should resist or not even if pain was inflicted on me, but I was dead set on not attacking. I wanted to and intended to live.

In the case it was a plain clothed officer or civilian that was clearly armed

I was scared. I was confused. I couldn't understand why asking questions resulted in physical or lethal responses. I was unarmed. I was thinking about my daughter. There was nothing worth reaching for. I didn't know who was engaging with me and it didn't matter — I just wanted out. I knew I was going to die, but I wanted to live.

How to celebrate my life that was

Fight

  • I want the white side of my family to fight and stomp their feet in ways that never imagined they would.
  • I need my friends of color to be vocal
  • I need my white friends to be more vocal because the people that did this to me are more likely to listen to you. Clearly they don't hear me and people that look like me or care to.
  • I want this page shared to news outlets
  • I want these things even if my killer is found guilty
  • Do not stop if my killer is found guilty
  • Speak to the media — especially if they ask

Mourn

  • Share the best pictures of me you have — maybe even make your profile picture one of me and you together
  • Keep my website active

About me

Quick facts

  • I've never owned any guns but I considered buying one for "protection" but I realized there's no circumstances that a gun could protect me from in the US.
  • I was a homeowner.
  • Guns freaked me out. Any knife or tool could plausibly be used a weapon but something about guns scream "death" to me so much that I can't stand to be around them.
  • I held a gun once at a firing range when my friends took me out for my bachelor party.
  • I went to private school.
  • I went to college.
  • My Myers-Briggs test said I was INTJ
  • I didn't have a record.
  • I did pretty well for myself career wise.
  • Whenever I saw someone with a gun I never felt safer.
  • I love(d) my wife.
  • I love(d) my daughter.
  • I had a La Croix addiction.
  • I grew up in a rich white liberal neighborhood called Virginia Highlands in Atlanta, GA.
  • I had a very diverse set of friends from many countries and backgrounds.
  • I was funny.
  • I wasn't religious.
  • I leaned introvert.
  • When I was young I wanted to be like Steve Jobs before it was cool.
  • I was an OG Apple "fan boy." The first computer in my parents home was a Apple II si and the first computer that I could call my own was a PowerBook 520c with a PowerPC chip.
  • I casually collected comic books.
  • Taylor Stitch and J. Crew were my goto brands.
  • The first time I was called a "nigger" I was 9.
  • The last time I was called "nigger" I was 14.
  • I met the CEO of Microsoft once and it was cool.
  • The first time I was ever pulled over I was 17 and with another friend who was black. It was around 9pm at night. We were stopped by 3 police cars and questioned by at least 4 different officers. They said I was speeding and I got a ticket.
  • I wanted to grow old and spend my time making furniture that I would eventually sell on Etsy.
  • The last time I was pulled over by a police officer I was 30 years old coming home from work around 6pm. The officer approached my car with this hand on his gun. I declared my every move before making it. I was pulled over because my registration tag was a few days overdue.
  • I've never been pulled over and got off with only a warning.
  • My nicknames were Matt, Hew, Holland and Kal-el.
  • I had a childhood friend named Andrea and her dad had a Saab. I thought it was so cool that the ignition was in the center and deemed it the coolest car ever. When I was old enough to by my second car — the car that would be the first that I bought all by myself, I got a 2005 Saab 9-3 Aero and I was stoked. It's paid off and I hope it stays in the family.
  • The last time I was confused with another black guy that looked nothing like me I was 31.
  • I never finished reading my dads book/manuscript — I'm sorry dad.
  • My biggest fear was going to jail or prison — I didn't really know the difference.
  • My favorite colors were orange and yellow — but I never dared to wear them.
  • I found Elon Musk inspiring.
  • I thought it was super cool to be a dad. I loved every moment.
  • It irked me the fact that the women's movement never figured out how to embrace intersectionality in my lifetime — keep thinking about how if this were the 1920s and women just got the right to vote then that would mean my daughter wouldn't be able to vote until over 40 years later. It is clear that the same kind of thinking and sensitivities of that era are alive an well today.
  • My love for Trap music was second only to my "musical trinity" — Astrud Gilberto, Lena Horne and Amy Winehouse.
  • Childish Gambino was my spirit animal.
  • I really wanted to see a Spiderman movie with Miles Morales.
  • I wished my last name was Super.
  • I thought that Hollywood needed to remake X-Men and lean-in harder on the aspect that it reflects the civil rights era (as if we are out of the civil rights era)
  • I would have been considered a futurist and lover of technology.
  • I was inquisitive.
  • I loved my line of work.
  • I wasn't perfect.
  • I wasn't dangerous.